5 Ways To Have A Successful Surrogacy Experience
We are Ariel and Marissa, a surrogate and intended mom duo currently 25 weeks pregnant! We met on Instagram nearly two years ago and quickly became close friends. While we didn’t meet with the intention of matching for surrogacy, the stars aligned, and we discovered that not only would we have a lasting friendship, but we had many of the same values and beliefs regarding surrogacy and knew it would be a perfect match. Since then, we have openly documented our surrogacy journey through our Instagram accounts @carried.with.love and @one.impatient.mama and hope to normalize the surrogacy process and show that this can be a viable way to grow your family.
In our personal lives, Ariel works as a Fertility Therapist and is no stranger to the surrogacy world. She has given birth to three little boys previously as a gestational carrier. Marissa works in childhood development and education and has always wanted to be a mom. Unfortunately, Marissa found out in her 20s due to cancer and surgery complications, she’d never be able to carry her own baby. We both strongly believe that infertility shouldn’t prevent people from becoming parents and that surrogacy can be safe, ethical, and (dare we say) exciting!
We get asked all the time how we have such a close relationship and we’ve come up with a few ways to ensure that surrogates and intended parents can feel fulfilled and connected throughout the pregnancy and the collaborative journey that is surrogacy.
1. Set yourself up for success!
Marissa:
My first surrogacy journey ended after two failed transfers. The biggest lesson I learned from my first journey was: the key to having a harmonious and synergistic surrogacy journey occurs during the matching process.
Intended Parents and Surrogates need to ensure that they’re on the same page about what they want their journey to look like. If all their wants and needs align, the partnership could be a good match; if not, entering that match could lead to challenges and unwanted issues. When matching for my second journey, I made sure that I clearly communicated everything I wanted and needed from the beginning of the journey all the way through how I envisioned our relationship with a surrogate post-birth.
For example, a non-negotiable for me was being able to continue a relationship with the surrogate and her family after the birth, so that my child could grow up understanding where they came from. Thankfully, my and Ariel’s wishes aligned perfectly, and now we’re currently 25 weeks pregnant and two peas in a pod!
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Ariel:
The most important part about surrogacy happens long before a pregnancy even occurs. During the matching process, it’s extremely important to make sure both parties are on the same page. It is important to discuss the type of communication you’d like to have and the frequency. Do you want weekly FaceTime calls on Sunday nights, or do you want to text each other every day? It helps if both parties have similar lifestyles and values too. If you go to church, eat mostly organic, or live a low tox lifestyle for example, it might be helpful to match with someone who also shares those values. Besides just lifestyle, it’s extremely important to match on big topics as well, like your views on termination, vaccines during pregnancy, the relationship expectations after delivery, and certain religious or cultural considerations that may impact pregnancy and birth.
Going into this surrogacy, it was important for me to match with someone who also wanted to document our journey publicly, would stay in close contact after the baby was born, and I also wanted someone local who would want to come to all of my appointments and be very involved in the process. Cue Marissa!
2. Think of surrogacy as a collaborative process
Marissa:
There is no doubt that a surrogacy journey can involve many emotions and feelings. As an infertility trauma, but I’m also cognizant that a gestational carrier is also human with their own feelings, needs, and life responsibilities. Entering a surrogacy journey with a collaborative mindset and focus on doing things as a team can set you up for success in ensuring that both parties feel valued and heard. Ariel and I have and will always work as a team and make decisions together, which is our recipe for a great partnership.
Ariel:
Surrogacy is not just a means to an end. There are many misconceptions about surrogacy; one of them is that Intended Parents just pay someone to grow their baby and pick it up after the birth. End of story. That couldn’t be further from the truth! Many people stay in contact after the delivery in some capacity and have an open approach to surrogacy. And yes, while many surrogates are fairly compensated for their time, that doesn’t take away the selflessness to help someone else have a family and take 1-2 years away from their own lives to help someone else. Marissa and I have the same goal, to bring her sweet little boy into this world, and we’re working together to accomplish that.
3. Keep open communication and mutual respect
Marissa:
Open and honest communication between intended parents and a gestational carrier is ESSENTIAL for a successful surrogacy journey! I feel very fortunate that Ariel and I organically clicked as our approach towards communication within a surrogacy journey aligned. Although this may not be the norm, we text almost every day just to casually chat, and we both inform each other of anything surrogacy-related right away. Every so often, usually monthly, we have an informal check-in just to make sure that we are both pleased with the way things are going. We also love the occasional FaceTime and phone call. We exchange tons of pictures and videos too! I usually send videos and photos of things I get for the baby, and Ariel, videos of baby kicks and photos of the belly!
Ariel:
This is a big one! You want to match with someone who you feel comfortable communicating with and who will listen to you. For both sides! I remember in the first trimester feeling so bad that I hadn’t texted Marissa as much as we normally did. I was tired and sick and felt like the only thing I had to talk about was how terrible I felt. I brought this up to her and expressed how bad I felt complaining about being pregnant with her baby when I knew she would have done anything to carry him herself. I remember her saying, “Ariel, I have come to terms with the fact that I can’t carry him, but since you can, I want to know everything so I can experience as much of the pregnancy as possible.” This made me feel so much closer to her and comfortable telling her how I was feeling. Since then, we’ve had many candid conversations, and I feel like we can talk about the hard stuff together.
4. Do activities that make you feel close to your baby
Marissa:
Finding out I couldn’t carry a pregnancy was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever experienced. Once Ariel became pregnant, I knew I needed to pivot and find other ways to connect and bond with our baby for the duration of the pregnancy. Finding out the sex of the baby early on was one thing I knew would make me feel closer and connected - that’s when Juno came to the rescue!
The process was so simple, and I was able to help Ariel take the Juno Birch™ test at eight weeks gestation. We sent it back to the lab and had results within two days. Two weeks later, we had a Christmas-themed gender reveal with our whole family and found out we we’re having a boy. Everyone was so excited!
Ever since, I’ve been daydreaming of names, planning and decorating the nursery, and picking out cute clothes with him in mind! Juno gave me the opportunity to feel closer to my baby and more included in the pregnancy, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
To feel included in the pregnancy, I’ve gone to every appointment with our fertility clinic and midwife, and if attending in person wasn’t possible, I would join over a video call. We also just had our 3D ultrasound, and we got to see what our little boy looks like- underwater, of course!
Ariel:
Finding out Marissa was having a little boy at 8 weeks pregnant was AMAZING! This test didn’t exist when I had my own daughter 8 years ago, and if it did, you can bet that I would have done it. Finding out early means more time to prepare, more time to get used to the idea of being a “boy mom,” and more time spent imagining all the things she will be able to do with a son. And we both love a good shopping trip! Waiting until our 20-week ultrasound would have been torture!
It was so important to me that Marissa felt involved in the pregnancy and truly feels like she’s treated as the mom. She comes to all the ultrasounds and midwife appointments and has access to all of the records for her baby. We made sure the hospital knew she’s the mom and not me so that all questions about the baby were directed right to her. She’ll hopefully be right beside me when her son is born.
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5. Enjoy your relationship outside of surrogacy
Marissa:
In order to create a life-long bond with the person carrying my baby, it was important for me to have a relationship with them outside of surrogacy. This is something Ariel and I did from the beginning of our relationship. The first thing we ever bonded over was our love for The Office. After that, everything fell into place. Doing activities together like going shopping, getting pedicures, and even staying in to watch TV and doing are nails are all things we did to bond together and grow our friendship.
Getting to know each other’s families, including our partners, children, and extended family was so important as we’d now become a part of each other’s extended families. Going mini-golfing, celebrating holidays, and playing board games together are some of our favorite things to do together as a whole.
Once our surrogacy journey is over, we’ll continue our family relationship with our new addition! We cannot wait!
Ariel:
Finding ways to connect with your surrogate outside of the pregnancy can help to create a strong bond. Spending time together, going out for meals, checking in, and meeting each other’s family are all nice things to do.
Marissa and I genuinely have so much fun together, and we’ve been able to bond over so many things. I’ve been able to spend time with her extended family, and my kids just adore her! Although the need for surrogacy is often due to infertility and trauma, the journey doesn’t have to be that way. Marissa and I have been able to make this something that can be enjoyed.
Outside of surrogacy, we love shopping days, thrifting, going to the spa, or just hanging out on each other’s couches watching The Office and eating snacks. I am so happy that this will be a lasting friendship outside of surrogacy, and I can’t wait for my best friend to be a mom!
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